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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27766711">Happiness</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/xillyxys/pseuds/xillyxys'>xillyxys</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcoholic Dean Winchester, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel in the Empty (Supernatural), Castiel/Dean Winchester in the Men of Letters Bunker, Dean Winchester Misses Castiel, Depressed Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy Lives, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt Dean Winchester, Jack Kline as God, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Praying Dean Winchester, Protective Sam Winchester, Sam Winchester Takes Care of Dean Winchester, Suicidal Dean Winchester, The Empty (Supernatural), alternative ending, written before 15x20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 07:55:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,129</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27766711</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/xillyxys/pseuds/xillyxys</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean reaches the edge of sanity in his grief and goes to the Empty to bring Cas back to life.</p><p>Happens after 15x19</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>73</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Happiness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ever since their glorious victory Dean and his brother Sam had their normal life. Without anyone's writing. Without anyone manipulating their lives. They were free, universe was saved. He should be happy. Finally on their own, writing their own story. Jack brought everyone back. Well, everyone except one person.</p><p>After beating Chuck and Jack's leave, brothers went for a roadtrip across the whole country. They were haunting just like the old times. However, Dean couldn't really enjoy it. Not with this emptiness in his heart he felt since... since. </p><p>Sam on the other hand was happy. He was glad it was all over. He got Eileen back and was enjoying his really-free will. Younger winchester was sad about Castiel's death but he knew he would like them to finally have their life. Also, through all those years of life full of pain and death and misery, knowing that his friend died painless was kind of comforting. Of course, Dean didn't tell him details of what really happened there. Sure, Sam knew Cas died to save Dean's life. He knew he didn't suffer and it was his choice. But things that were said then were only for Dean's memory.</p><p>Dean didn't want to admit it, he COULDN'T admit that he wasn't okay at all. His mind was still in that dungeon that night. Night, when he lost his best friend for good. He wasn't sure if 'friendship' was a good word to call their relationship. They were more. A Family? Something different, too. There were times Cas talked about their 'profound bond'. Dean started to realise what he meant. When the angel raised him from hell, he left mark on his body, a handprint on his shoulder. But it was only a tiny imaging of what Cas left on Dean's soul. Their souls bonded. They unknowingly became soulmates. </p><p>Maybe it wouldn't be so hard if there were diffrent circumstances, maybe it would hurt the same. He will never get to know. All he knew was the fact that even if it's been a few weeks, there were two words stuck in his mind, accompanying him before sleep, rumbling like an echo: 'Goodbye, Dean'.</p><p>He didn't show it, because that's what he always does. Keeping emotions inside, until it all blows up evoking general destruction in his life. Dean simply forced himself to get to work and keep his mind busy. With a little help of not so little amounts of alcohol, it kind of worked. He really kept his mind away from all these things he felt.</p><p>Winchesters just got back to the bunker from the three weeks long roadtrip. They solved a few cases,  saved some poeople, nothing new. Turning himself into a work-machine was over. Dean had to face the reality that sucked.</p><p>He was anxious about going back to Men of Letters' bunker but whether he liked it or not, it was their home. Their legacy. And it carried a lot of memories, good and bad. Now only one bad memory came to his mind causing a pit in his stomach. </p><p>Boys put their bags on a map table and Sam said something about having a shower and left the room. Suddenly, everything went quiet and Dean could feel a wave of loneliness filling the space around him. He also left a hall and headed to his room. He didn't even try not to look at the door of Cas' room with dead look. </p><p>When he closed the door to his own room, without hesitation he flopped onto his memory foam mattress. He laid on his back and watched the ceiling. "what am I supposed to do now?" was screaming in his head but the only thing that came out of his mouth was a tired sigh. He could do whatever he wanted, watch a movie, eat pizza or go to the bar, hook up with some girl like he used to do after work and yet, the only thing that came up to his head was drinking himself to sleep. He glanced around the room in search for a bottle of whisky but he didn't notice any. He stood up and opened a closet where was his secret reserve in order to avoid Sam's sermon about his older brother's drinking habits. And this was when it hit him. </p><p>At the bottom of a drawer was a bundle in khaki color. At the moment his mind went full red lights mode. He felt like his heart jumped to his throat. With the rest of his awareness he heard steps in the hallway. He immidiately closed the closet with a little too loud slam and sit back at his bed when there was a knocking at the door.</p><p>"Yeah?" He managed to utter. Door opened and Sam's silhouette appeared. </p><p>"Hey... um - " He stopped talking when his sight crossed with Dean's. " Are you alright?"</p><p>"Me? Yeah, w-why wouldn't I be?" He gave himself a facepalm in his mind. Dean Winchester who kills monsters and impersonates an FBI agent on a daily basis is not able to control his voice in front of his little brother.</p><p>"Yeah, right" he said sarcastically and went deeper into the room. "What's going on?" He asked crossing his arms on his chest.</p><p>"Dude, nothing's going on... you interrupted me in, uh... something." Thats better, he thought. Saying something ambiguous always worked. </p><p>Sam looked at him a little confused but didn't pursue the topic. "I'm going out with Eileen. You're gonna have a bunker for yourself." It surprised Dean a little bit but he only noded. </p><p>"You sure you're gonna be fine?" Sam asked. Dean forced on himself a small chuckle.</p><p>"I'm not five, Sammy. Go get 'em, tiger." He added with a simirk, and Sam shaked his head. </p><p>Dean tried not to look disapointed because at his state he could actually use his brother's company but he wasn't that much of a little girl to ask Sam to stay with him. </p><p>Slam of the door and Dean was alone again. He breathed out in relief and he rubbed his face with his palm. When he heard Sam's steps going down the hallway and knew he's out, Dean walked over to his closet and opened it again, carefully like he was afraid of something jumping out of it. </p><p>He took two bottles of whisky and put it on the floor. He looked at his jacket rolled up and shoved in the corner. He picked up a khaki coloured material and took a long look before he unrolled it. He straightened the fabric in his hands and he hung his eyes on dark stain at the top of the sleeve. He swallowed harshly trying to get rid of the lump in his throat. Bloody handprint darkened but it was still there unlike it's author. Dean put his own hand on the hand-shaped stain. It all began with a handprint and ended with it too. 'Don't be a little bitch, winchester' he thought but the pain in his chest spoke for itself.</p><p>Abruptly, Dean throw the jacket back into the drawer and stood up slamming the closet door. He took a deep breath and he looked up with shut eyes. He picked up a bottle agressively and he gulped down a quarter of it. He coughed sharply and after a short moment pressed the bottle to his lips again. He knew it was an awful idea but he didn't care. He breathed out sharply and with a bottle in his hand he left his room. He was sure he shouldn't go there but his feet felt like they didn't listen. He stopped at the door to another, too familiar room. His shaking hand froze at the halfway to reach a doorhandle. He felt absolutely pathetic in that moment.</p><p>"Look what you did to me" Dean said to the air with his voice filled with sadness and frustration. He reached the doorhandle and entered the room so quietly so he won't break the silence. Of course, room was empty. Too empty. Abandoned. </p><p>Loneliness, guilt, anger, sadness and helplessness hit him at the same time. He was just standing in silence, letting his brain process everything. And he lost it. Bottle of his feelings just broke. And he let everything in. </p><p>He was breathing quickly and shallow between sobs. He didn't even realised when he started crying. In his memories, he went back to the moment of Castiel's death. Flashbacks went one after another, loud and quick. Like he was being bombarded by sounds and pictures.<br/>"When Jack was dying, I made a deal..." Cas' voice saunded almost real. "When I experience a moment of true happiness, The Empty would be summoned and would take me forever..." "...The one thing I want, it's something i know i can't have..." "...You're the most caring man on earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know..." "...Because you cared, I cared..." "...You changed me, Dean" "I love you" "...Goodbye, Dean."<br/>Flashes of Cas' tears, his bleeding hand on Dean's shoulder, Cas fading in darkness of The Empty carved in Dean's brain. </p><p>When Dean opened his eyes, he found himself on a floor with his back against the door. He stayed in that position for a while. He forced himself to do a few deep breaths. Worked. He stopped sobbing and panting. He drank some more whisky and laid his eyes on electrical object settled on the desk. He walked over with little sway to see that it was a not big, black box with buttons. Moment of realisation what it was gave him a prick in his heart. He was looking at a cassette player. He pushed one of the buttons to open a tape compartment. He took out a more than familiar object and read a title: 'Dean s top 13 Zepp Traxx'. He chuckled sadly and put it back. </p><p>He sat on Castiel's bed with his head is his hands and his fists clenched on his hair. It was too much. </p><p>"Why, Cas?" he asked knowing that no one's going to answer. His frustraton reached it's zenith. He looked up at the ceiling. "You bastard!" he shouted at the air. "If you loved me, why the hell did you leave me?" his voice broke down in the middle of the sentence. "Cas... I know you can't hear me but... please, Cas. Come back" Last sentence he almost whispered. "there's so much I want to tell you... but not like this, Cas." He remembered how stunned he was when Cas said those three words with a power of a nuke. He felt so much that he couldn't react. The only thing he was able to say was desperate 'don't to this, Cas'. 'don't leave me'.</p><p>Sometimes Dean used to wonder if angels experience feelings like humans do. Everytime he cought himself on staring at Cas or smiling whenever he saw him, or having his heart broken when Cas did something bad, Dean was wondering if his angel had those feelings too. Now he knows. And feels like shit about it. Everytime Castiel fought for him, every smile, every look, every 'hello'... all this time Cas loved him. Even when Dean was all this time in denial, pushed Cas away, treated him like nothing. Even when he told Cas he's dead to him. All this time Castiel loved him. And Dean didn't know that but he should. He always felt it somewhere. They were soulmates after all. But he didn't think he deserved his love. And he was screwing things up over and over again. He will regret this for the rest of his life. It was too late to make things right. <br/>...Or not?</p><p>"Jack, if you hear me, please, I'm begging you. Listen to my prayer..." his voice was shaking, but hope spoke through him. "... Bring him back, please. Cas. Bring Castiel back, I'm begging you, Jack. He was like a father to you. And this deal that killed him... He made it to save your life. You owe him. Jack, please... Please, answer." <br/>Dean opened his still-teary eyes and looked around just to find out that he's still alone. As always. Silence was disturbed by Dean's humorless laugh. Bitter, cynical, psychotic laugh. "Of course you won't answer" Dean chuckled "Stupid Dean Winchester... can't handle the truth. Everyone's gone" He was almost singing these words. They hurt, but this was the truth. </p><p>He finally gave up. He was done. It was the moment when the last sparkle of hope left him.</p><p> </p><p>Sam walked down the stairs to the hall of a bunker. It was quiet. Too quiet.</p><p>"Dean! I'm home!" he shouted but there was no response. Library was empty, kitchen too. He headed to Dean's room when something odd brought his attention. Cas' room's door was tilted but there wasn't any sign of Dean's presence. Except the blanket on angel's bed was a little kneeded. Now Sam was worried. He knew Dean's tendency to hide his feelings. He practically ran into Dean's room to see his brother laying on the floor.</p><p>"Dean? Hey, wake up" he said when he was shaking his shoulder. No response. "Dean!" Sam screamed and slapped his brother's face. This time older Winchester made some weak noise and moved a muscle. Sam looked around to find out the room was a mess. There was a lot of pieces of glass on the floor, especially under one of the walls, like a bottle was thrown at a wall. On the floor was another empty bottle and one half-empty was knocked-over and made a little puddle. "Dean, you idiot, what have you done" Sam said still trying to wake his brother up. Dean jerked a bit with a mutter. It took a few trials but finally older Winchester was awake. Well, 'awake' was too strong word for it but ale least he was responding. "Come on brother, let's put you to bed alright?" he asked as calmly as he could. Inside he was furious and terrified. Dean shifted and tried to lift himself but that wasn't easy. They struggled but finally manged to put his half-concious ass on the bed. He covered his brother with a blanket and sit by his side. </p><p>Now he was the one who got hit by cruel realisation. There was no one he could ask for help if something happened. Cas was dead, Jack was gone, Rowena was in hell.<br/>But in that moment he had to take care of his brother with alcohol poisoning. Dean was injured so many times he couldn't count them, but this was something that worried Sam a lot. He knew it was something different this time. Something was very very wrong. </p><p>A few hours past and all this time Sam was checking in and taking care of his brother. He was also texting Eileen who turned out to be very helpful. She gave Sam some tips and when she was asked how she knows all this stuff, she answered that she was in similar situation. She just didn't say if she was taking care of someone or was the one being taken care of.</p><p>Dean was awake but he wished not to be. His head felt like exploding and he was vomiting awfully, and that wasn't common for him. <br/>Sam knocked to the bathroom door to hear permission to enter. Dean was sitting on the floor next to a toilet with his head in his hands. Sam handed him a bottle of water. </p><p>"You look like trash" he said and sat on a little stair not far from his brother. </p><p>"Thanks princess, I feel like one, too" Dean uttered weakly but with a sarcastic smirk. After a moment of silence Sam managed to start a conversation.</p><p>"So, what happened yesterday?" he asked.</p><p>"I guess I drank too much, that's all" he said after not so long consideration.</p><p>"'That's all' my ass. Look at you, you're a mess."</p><p>Dean looked his brother and knew he was very serious and angry. He sighed. 'Come on, Winchester, you can do it. He needs to know'. He took a deep bearth.</p><p>"I'm not good, you're right. I tried to move on after we won but I couldn't. Not after Cas..." He stopped. It was the first time he said Cas' name out loud. When he looked up to see Sam's reaction, he saw his whole face suddenly softened. He just noded slowly. It was enough for Sam to figure out the rest. "God, I need to lay down" Dean said to break the awkward silence and smartly change the subject.</p><p>Sam went with him to his room in order to continue previous chat. He waited with talking until Dean was under his blanket.</p><p>"Dean, we can find a way to bring him back again" Sam tried to sound optimistic but even he didn't belive in his own words. </p><p>"I prayed to Jack, Sammy. I begged him. Turned out to be a jacksquat" he mutted. "Besides, it can't be undone. It was a deal Cas made with The Empty".</p><p>"He... What?" Sam was more than surprised "I didn't know that."</p><p>Dean sighed. He was too tired of this. Enough hiding. He told Sam everything what happened back then. He didn't spare him details, he needed so bad to tell someone about this and it was quite a relief, sharing it with his brother. The story wasn't short. Older Winchester couldn't stop when his tongue was finally unblocked. He told Sam all about how he felt all these days and his breakdown from the previous day. When he finished, he looked at Sam's face because he hadn't taken his eyes off the floor throughout the story. Sam's eyes went teary and he did this sad puppy face. All Sam was thinking about was hugging his brother. So he did it.</p><p>Without a word he bent down and wrapped his arms around his brother's shoulders. Dean was surprised by this gesture but he hugged him back awkwardly. When Sam let him go and went back to his seat he looked at his older brother with a more serious look. </p><p>"Dean..." He started but he didn't know if he should ask him that question. "Did you try to drink yourself to death?" he asked calmly. At first Dean was astonished by his brother's assumption but then he frowned like he was really considering it.</p><p>"No! I mean... I don't know" he said "I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking at all, okay?" he said with a lot of effort. "anything else?"</p><p>"Do you love him?" </p><p>He took a long inhale and breathed out slowly. He obviously knew the answer but was he ready to admit it and... come out? "I... I guess I wouldn't feel like this if I didn't... uh, you know. But it's different. I don't know, man, just... Okay, you know what? I'm not gonna answer that question. You've heard enough."</p><p>Sam smiled softly. That was indeed enough for him to know. He cleared his throat. "Okay then, let's do this".</p><p>"Do what?" Dean was now just confused.</p><p>"We're gonna bring his feathery ass back here" Sam said with a grin.</p><p> </p><p>Couple of days later Winchesters were working hard again just like nothing changed. The only difference was that they were their own bosses.</p><p>Eileen was in the bunker with the boys helping them in research. She wasn't exactly informed about some more private details but she surmised what was going on with Dean. She didn't mention it but she was very nice and supportive to him. </p><p>They were literally running through tons of books and papers whenever they seemed to be helpful. Men of Letters would be proud of them. Again. </p><p>All three of them were studying in the library. Quietly, with a lot of coffe that didn't really helped to stop them from yawning. Men of Letters' research seemed not to have an end. Dean started loosing his newly restored hope, when...</p><p>"Hello"</p><p>Young male voice pierced through silence causing everyone turning and facing the awkwardly waving boy. No one moved until Dean slowly stood up from his chair.</p><p>"Jack?" He was shocked to see him so his voice was a bit anxious.</p><p>Sam smiled to him, and Eileen followed his action.</p><p>"What are you doing here?" Dean asked more calmly.</p><p>"I came because of your prayer" Boy answered like it was the most obvious thing. "I just couldn't find a way to go into my earthal form, that's why it took so long" He said with kind smile. "Dean, can we talk in private?" Oh, that was something that never happened before. Not stressing at all. </p><p>Jack snapped his fingers and now they were both in Dean's room. </p><p>"Are you okay?" Jack asked with concern.</p><p>"I will be" that's all he could say."why you askin'?"</p><p>"Your prayer brought me to earth, but it was so strong not because of it's meaning but because of your pain. It sent me very strong signal that almost cracked my connection with you. But not long after, your signal vanished. I was worried something bad happened to you".</p><p>"As you can see, I'm fine now. Thank you for being here, Jack". Dean looked him in the eyes. </p><p>"But this is not what I wanted to talk about" Jack said and sat on a chair. "I tried to bring him back, you know... but it didn't work".</p><p>Dean looked surprised. "You did?"</p><p>"Of course I did. He's like a father to me, as you said."</p><p>"But... Chuck brought him back couple of times. And you've got his powers... Why didn't it work this time?"</p><p>"The deal is unbreakable. Only the Empty can cancell it or change its terms. If I forced breaking the deal I would disturb the natural order. That's what my grandfather used to do. Breaking the rules and making new ones. It's an abuse of power and it causes corruption in the universe. I cannot do that at any cost." Dean analised his words.</p><p>"So there's nothing you can do?" he asked disapointed "It is Cas we're talking about! You can't make any exception?"</p><p>"Well, as I said I can't break the curse but I didn't say I can't help. I can open a portal to The Empty and awake Cas. But I cannot go there. You will have to try to convince The Empty to change the deal on your own. And this would be a huge risk for you."</p><p>"Well kid, I don't care about the risk if it comes to Cas' life."</p><p>"I know, Dean. There's nothing you wouldn't do for your loved ones" </p><p>It was the moment when Dean felt sudden urge to do something he wanted to do for a long time but never had a chance.</p><p>"Jack, there's something I need to tell you." he spoke after a moment of silence. "I am so sorry. I'm sorry for what I did to you, I..."</p><p>"It's not your fault." Jack interrupted. "I saw it in Chuck's head. He pushed it on you, Dean. He watched your anger against me with a smile on his face. I know that the real you wouldn't act like this. He... i think you call this a... 'brainwash'. He did this to you." kid's words were like a punch in the guts but still he didn't believe him. Or didn't want to believe.</p><p>"Even if it's true, please, let me finish..." he took a deep breath. <br/>"I forgive you, Jack. I forgive you for my mother. I forgive you for everything. And I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. You ARE a family, kid. You always will be."</p><p>Jack smiled broadly. He stood up and reached to Dean for a hug. Dean smiled a bit. 'angels and their awkward hugging'</p><p>"Thank you, Dean. I really apreciate it." he stepped back and grined again. </p><p>"Let's bring my dad back."</p><p> </p><p>A few hours later everything was ready. Sam and Eileen were in steady to attack in case something went wrong. Dean was in his hunting outfit, armed with two angel blades. He didn't know why he even took them but wanted to be prepeared more than usual. It was his only shot, if he screws, he won't forgive himself for the rest of his life and after. Sam noded when he finished first part of a spell to open a portal. Dean felt his guts rolling and his heart beating in uneasy rythm as adrenaline hit.</p><p>"Remember, Dean. This won't be easy and... I'm afraid there's a possibility that you won't make it" Jack was deadly serious.</p><p>"It's okay, kiddo, I know what I'm packing my ass into" Winchester smirked. "I'm ready" he wasn't ready at all but he just couldn't wait any longer.</p><p>Jack noded and his eyes flashed yellow. Light came from the place of a spell and a short moment later Dean was entering black nothingness. </p><p>There was nothing. Literally nothing. Dean was standing but couldn't feel what he was standing on. Around him was the most silent silence he'd ever heard. Regardless of how absurd this sounds. Crushing silence was interrupted by someone's presence. When he turned, his eyes cought a sight of someone he didn't expect to see. He was on his way to say 'Tessa' but then he realised the Empty changes it's form.</p><p>"Hey there, Empty" he tried to sound confident but she didn't buy it. The Empty in Tessa's form smiled mockingly.</p><p>"Hey there, mr. happiness" She laughed when she saw Winchester's face change. He calmed himself down immidiately to keep up neutral appearance.</p><p>"If you know who I am, you know what I want. Give back the angel" Dean said firmly. Empty laughed even more.</p><p>"I always knew you were stupid and mad but didn't realise how much!" She said with enthusiasm. "I should probably thank you for delievering Castiel to me so quickly. If it wasn't you, it would probably take centuries" 'Tessa' watched raising anger in Dean's eyes.</p><p>"Cancel the deal. It's not his time yet" </p><p>"Not his time? He was supposed to be long dead, he was already expired when I took him" she started walking around him. "So what about 'go to hell'? This time no one will 'grip you tight and raise from predition'" She lowered her voice in imitation. 'Now you crossed the line, bitch' he thought and she was enjoying view of Dean pulling out an angel blade. "Adorable little ape" she commented. "You know, I stared loosing my already limited patience. I don't like being awake."</p><p>"I know. That's why I'm not going anywhere. You will be stuck here with me until I die" Dean's words caused another smile on Tessa's face.<br/>"I can end it very quickly" after those words she walked over Dean and punched him in the face. "but why don't we have some fun before that?"</p><p>Dean dropped his blade and smiled. Now he had all of the Empty's attention.</p><p>Meanwhile in the bunker, Jack focused and made the strongest signal to reach Cas.</p><p>"Wake up Castiel. You need to come back" Jack took a deep breath and gave more power to his words. </p><p>"Dean is in danger."</p><p>Dean took another stroke and spat out his blood. He was fighting for a breath on his knees. His whole body was bruised and his face had a few bloody trails. Another cosmic being was kicking his ass. "You punch like God" He chuckled. "It's a funny story, you know" Empty grabbed him by his short hair but instead of punching him again, she glanced at him with a bit of curiosity."You'll probably be glad that he's none of your concern anymore."</p><p>"What do you mean?" she stepped away and let Dean fall onto his knees.</p><p>"I heard Chuck was driving you crazy by his intervensions in natural order. Good news is, we took care of him" Dean was explaining while he stood up with effort.</p><p>"You? You're nothing but hairless apes. You didn't have power to kill him. Even Billie was too weak"</p><p>"Well, we had Satan's son as a backup" he grined at her.</p><p>She noded "You mean that child who almost killed me?"</p><p>"It wasn't his fault. Billie made him do it. But guess what. He's a new sheriff now" he smirked.<br/>She didn't say anything so he continued.<br/>"He could do everything. He could bring Cas without your permission, but instead he sent me here so he won't break your rules. He respects you. Unlike his grandfather."</p><p>"He respects me that much so he sent a human here? That's more like an insult"</p><p>"He doesn't see it that way. But believe me, he's a better God than Chuck ever was. Please, I'm just asking for one thing. Cas saved this universe, too" he's voice was desperate.</p><p>"Here's the thing. I don't care about your universe at all. You're all just a... what was that? Ah, yes. 'Dust in the wind'." </p><p>Now it dawned to him. He got himself together and talked again.</p><p>"You don't care about anything? Oh, I know, you like your sleep because existance bores you, huh? You are as old as universe and you hate it, am I right?"</p><p>Instead of answering, she just gave him front kick and knocked him down.</p><p>"Dean!" Low voice pierced through his ears like a thunder. Everything slowed down. His heart skipped a few beats. He slowly turned his head. When their eyes crossed, Dean felt like he was alive again. He whispered quiet "Cas". In that moment when he saw his angel, he knew everything's going to be fine.</p><p>"You're awake? Again?!" She screamed and started choking Cas with her power. </p><p>"Stop it!" Dean shouted and stood up painfully. "I know what's this about... you admire him, don't you?" that was a big risk to say but to his relief, she let Cas go and was staring at Dean with furious sight. Seeing that, he continued. He was glad that he spent so much time overthinking about The Empty so he could come to these conclusions. "You are bored because you don't have feelings. Like most of the angels, but not Cas. He stood up against his nature. You admire him because he developed human emotions" He stopped talking and glanced at Cas. "He died for love. Let him have it" he almost whispered. Cas tilted his head slowly like he wasn't sure if he really heard that sentence.</p><p>"He died because that was his choice!"</p><p>"And you don't have one! You have to be whatever you are and you don't have any other option. But feelings are not a choice, either! I'm begging you. If you ever wondered what it's like to be human... Now you know. Look at me, I'm desperate. And when I'm desperate I'm capable to do anything" <br/>and this was when he lost himself in his actions. After a break, he continued. <br/>"So now, here's the deal" his woice was rough. "You can cancell this whole happiness crap in your deal and give Cas back. None of us will bother you again. Or we can all stay here in our lovely threesome and you won't get your sleep ever again." When Dean thought he was on the winning side, look on Cas' face only convinced him how wrong he was. Laugh of The Empty gave him chills.</p><p>"As I said, Winchester, you're a madman. And a dumb one. See, I could eject you any time, but I didn't. Watching you making a fool of yourself was very entertaining. Now my patience is over. So here's how it's gonna be" Dean felt his throat drying more and more with every word. Cas only watched human with sorrow. "You have two options. You'll leave and your angel will go back to his sleep, or you can resist. Then I will eject you, possibly I''ll drop you somewhere in the neibourhood, somewhere louder and hotter. Starts with 'H'. And then, I'll enjoy myself by treating your boyfriend properly for his disobedience. Now choose, Dean Winchester. Obey or resist."</p><p>The Empty with cruel satisfaction watched Dean breaking down. He was very aware how much he fucked up. The only option he had was giving up. In the other case, Cas will be tortured and he will be trown into hell. He couldn't say a word or move. His head was getting louder and louder. He couldn't belive it. How could he be so stupid to think he could win? He screwed up again and now this bitch is threatening Cas. He was so close. His angel was standing right there in front of him and he couldn't do anything. He turned around almost pulling out his hair with his eyes shut. He was desperatly seeking for options.</p><p>And then it finally hit him. He remembered purgatory. Only human could get out. 'I could eject you'. The Empty didn't want him there just like purgatory. Because he was human. He carefully laid his hand on his pocket and felt under his fingers what he was looking for. 'Jackpot'.</p><p>"Okay, then. Can I at least say goodbye?" Dean turned back to The Empty who stepped back with permission. He walked slowly. On his way he reached to his pocket. When Castiel saw what Dean was about to do, he noded almost imperceptibly. Dean walked over to him and hugged Cas tightly. "Cas..." Dean pulled out a very small jar when he was hidden in Cas' arms. His heart was beating painfully fast. He uncorked a jar and took angel's hand. "I'm sorry for this" He quickly reached to his jacket for the second angel blade and with one quick move made a cut on Castiel's wrist. Before fake-Tessa could react, blue light was closed in glass and Cas was leaning on hunter's shoulder, weakened by loosing his grace. The Empty screamed with fury.</p><p>"We're leaving" after those words the portal showed again. </p><p>"He will die when he will be happy again. You're giving him a miserable life" her voice was so cold he got chills.</p><p>"Break the curse then. And I'll gift you with something." those words weren't said by Dean, but someone else. Jack was standing right in front of Tessa's figure. "Go, Dean. I'll be right after you."</p><p>Without waiting, Dean wrapped Cas' arm around his neck, grabbed his waist and went to the portal. Empty's anger caused resistance in the portal, it was hard to walk through it. But when they entered it, it felt like empty throw them away which resulted in Cas and Dean hitting on the floor and rolling until they stopped on a bookshelf, knocking down a few items. Dean looked up when he heard the portal closed and almost hit Cas' head with his own. Castiel was practically laying on top of him. Angel was gizzy but concious. Dean smiled when he saw Cas' blue eyes and his heart skipped a beat. </p><p>"Hello Cas" He said knowing angel's answer and couldn't wait to hear two the most precious words he never thought he will ever call 'precious'</p><p>"Hello Dean" said with low voice and a shy smile made Dean grin even brighter.</p><p>"You made it, guys!" Sam walked over with a huge smile and relief on his face. He helped both men stand up. He hugged them both and Cas had to lean back on a bookshelf. </p><p>" 'Kay, let's give you your mojo back" Dean said when he pulled out blue-shining jar.</p><p>"No, she will took me whenever my grace is back" Cas protested.</p><p>"She won't" Jack said when he appeared behind Sam. "We had a chat. longer than in this dimesion. We came to agreement."</p><p>"Jack, what did you do?" Castiel asked a bit concerned.</p><p>"I gave her what she wanted. I gifted her with earthal form so she can explore human nature. Also we agreed about our co-existing and running universe in both-sided honesty" he explained and Cas' confusion was bigger than before.</p><p>"What? What does it mean, what about Chuck?" His confusion didn't seem to end. "How long was I gone?" </p><p>"You missed the biggest party, Cas" Dean said and pat Cas' shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>All of them were sitting in the library with beer and pizza. Cas had his grace back but he was very tired. But it was all good. Even Jack stayed for dinner. They were together. They were family. Boys told the story of beating chuck to Cas and Eileen. There were laughs and tears and surprises. Cas and Eileen quickly got along. In that moment they were just chatting, joking and drinking. Castiel finally let himself be happy. Almost. There was still one thing he needed answer for but he didn't know if he really wanted that knowledge. But by the looks Dean was giving him he knew it's going to be fine. Maybe not perfect, but he was okay with it.</p><p>"It's time for me to go" Jack said after a while. </p><p>No one likes goodbyes, but they knew they had to let him go. Everyone hugged him one by one and saying some things for a goodbye. When it came to Dean he thanked Jack again. Cas was full of tears inside but the only thing he showed was a little sad smile. He was so proud of him but he felt like he didn't get enough time with him. It wasn't supposed to be like this.</p><p>Jack started to walk to the exit of the library, when he turned around to look at them. "I want you all to be happy, guys. You all deserve to be happy."</p><p>"Will you... visit us sometimes?" Sam asked.</p><p>"I'll do my best. But not soon. I'm a keeper of the whole world now."</p><p>Jack grined one more time and waved to them with a 'goodbye' before he vanished in the air.</p><p>Now there was just four of them. Dean laid his hand on Cas' shoulder when angel was still looking at the place Jack was standing in. "You okay?"</p><p>Castiel just noded a little. "Yes Dean, I'm okay" he said and looked at his friend.</p><p>Sam told something to Eileen in sign language before he said to his brother and Cas that they are going to sleep. Always an excuse to leave Dean alone with his problem. This problem was standing right in front of him.</p><p>At first none of them spoke. Finally Can broke the silence.</p><p>"Dean, can we talk?" it was the moment Dean was afraid the most. He wasn't prepared for this conversation.</p><p>"Of course. What's up?" he asked keeping neutral voice.</p><p>"I... wanted to ask before but I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable" Dean gesticulated to continue. "I was ready to die. And I was okay with being dead. It's been weeks since Chuck, you don't need me. Why did you bring me back? Why now?" </p><p>Dean's heart felt heavier when he heard Cas saying 'You don't need me'. He grunted. That was definitely something they should talk about. "Well, Jack tried to bring you back with everyone but he couldn't. We had to accept that. And we did. Kind of. But I... I wasn't okay with it. It's been hard, you know. After what you said..." He looked at Cas but quickly went back to staring at the floor. "I couldn't move on and, uh... I know it was very selfish of me but I needed you back" </p><p>Cas looked at him in confusion. Dean didn't know what to say. Well, he knew what to say but didn't know how. But he got other idea. He carefully took his hand and raised it in hight of his head. Then he pressed his two fingers against his forehead and said "Read my mind". Castiel was surprised.</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>"I'm not good with words, just... just do it, please" </p><p>So he did it. Dean saw Castiel's eyes shining before he closed them. He was in Dean's head and he saw all of this. Dungeon, what Dean felt, how he couldn't speak. Sobbing on the floor after The Empty took him. Fight with Chuck. How Dean felt he deserved this, when Chuck was breaking his bones. Beating God and thinking 'if only Cas was here'. Roadtrip. Forcing himself to constant work, alcohol, lack of sleep or nightmares. Dean missing him so bad. Trying not to think about his angel. Ignoring ache in his chest whenever something reminded him of Cas. Going back to the bunker. Loneliness. View of Dean's hand on a handprint he left on his jacket. Dean in Castiel's room. Crying and screaming and praying. Now he heard Dean's prayer he never received. Single tear left Cas' closed eye. Dean's guilt. Self-hate. Giving up. Drinking. Throwing an empty bottle at a wall. More drinking. Talking to Sam. Desperatly searching for information about the Empty. Jack's arrival. Going to the Empty with fear. Seeing him for the first time since his death. Pit in his stomach when he touched his hand in the Empty. Feeling guilty about taking his grace.  And finally, pure happiness when he realised he had his angel back. The way his heart stopped when he looked in his eyes. How happy he was when he heard his 'hello, Dean'. And his desire to have him close and never let go. </p><p>Cas broke the connection and opened his eyes. He had to lean on the table. Dean went immidiately to help out but Cas just looked in his eyes. Searching for something. Dean just froze.</p><p>"Now you know" Dean's voice was shaky. Angel approached to him and hugged him as tight as he could. </p><p>"Yes"</p><p>Dean hid his face between Cas' Neck and shoulder and sighed. They were never that close. They hugged before but not like this. This was emotional and... intimate. Castiel heard Dean's unsteady heartbeat and his own, also far from it's right rythm. Cas sank his fingers in Dean's hair and combed it gently. </p><p>They were frozen in that position for a while until Castiel realised they were practically leaning on each other.</p><p>"You're exhausted. And so am I. We should both get some sleep.</p><p>Dean smiled when he felt vibrations of his angel's voice that woke up butterflies in his stomach. He knew that feeling but now it just felt like a first time. He lifted his head and rubbed his face. He didn't like the idea of being alone again but he noded in agreement.</p><p>"You'll still be here, right?"</p><p>"I promise I will"</p><p> </p><p>At the moment Cas entered his room he got hit by a scent of Dean and whisky. Humans wouldn't detect it but he had sensitive senses. He got chills when he thought about drunk Dean screaming and crying in desperation in this room just a few days ago. He suddenly felt sad about Dean when he saw dents on his bed's covers. He would never suppose Dean would miss him that much. </p><p>There was a quiet knocking at the door and after permission, Dean showed up at the door. He had his hair ruffled and a little wet after shower.</p><p>"Hey, I've got something for you to sleep" he said and handed Cas folded grey t-shirt and black sweatpants. They were exact opposite of colour Dean was wearing. He had his sweatpants grey and black t-shirt. Angel took pile of clothes.</p><p>"Thank you, but i don't think I'm gonna use it. I don't get dirty" if it wasn't so emotional day, Dean would drop some innapropriate joke.</p><p>"Well, you'll feel more comfy in this" he said and encouraged him with a smile. Cas just noded and started taking his trenchcoat off. Dean got a bit nervous. "I'm just gonna... go to my room... er, goodnight, Cas"</p><p>"Goodnight, Dean" he said and watched Dean leave. He could ask him to stay but it would be inapropriate.</p><p> </p><p>It's been around half an hour since Dean came back to his bed, he should be long asleep considering how exhausted he was. He was thinking about checking on Cas but he didn't want to be intrusive. Small steps.</p><p>'wonder if he's sleeping' 'How do angels even sleep?' 'He could sleep here...' 'Stop.'</p><p>To be honest, he liked the idea of Cas in his bed. And suprisingly he didn't mean it in a sexual way.  He wouldn't dare. But if he'd thought about it... Well, he's only human. But he knew angels don't work like that. He was okay with it. He just wanted to have him close. If Cas wanted something more, he would be okay with that, too.</p><p>'Maybe he has trouble with sleep too? He usually don't sleep'</p><p>After moment of hesitation he pushed himself off the bed and went to the door. He opened it and nearly crashed into Cas himself.</p><p>"Hey, I was on my way to check on you, what's up?" 'act natural, Winchester'.</p><p>"I was, uh... I thought maybe... nevermind" he wanted to go back to his room but Dean grabbed him by his wrist and pulled into his room. He spoke after he closed the door.</p><p>"Trouble with sleep, huh?" Dean said while he walked over the bed to lay down again. Cas noded. "Come on, hop in" he lifted covers in invitation. </p><p>Cas crawled to the bed clumsily and next they were laying face to face with a distance between. Dean wanted to cover this distance and just wrap his arms around him, but he wouldn't. But then, Cas was the one who shifted a little bit to be closer to Dean. Winchester just watched him in the light of a bedside lamp. He looked adorable so relaxed, in pijamas. Dean looked at his neck. He really liked his neck. He realised that before when he put his face there. He smiled a little. He was happy. He couldn't help himself and carefully wrapped his arm around angel's waist.</p><p>"Is that okay?" Dean asked softly. <br/>"mhm" he murmured and shifted much closer. Dean took a deep breath for what was coming.</p><p>"Cas, I wanted to say it back..." he said looking him in the eyes. "When you summoned The Empty, but I just froze"</p><p>"It's okay. I did read your mind, remember?" Castiel's voice was kind and calming.</p><p>"Still... I love you too, Cas"</p><p>Cas smiled and ran his fingers through Dean's hair softly.</p><p>"I know"</p><p>Dean chuckled. "You Han Solo'd me?" he whispered and pulled Cas closer. Angel looked in his eyes and brought his face closer. He heard Dean's heart beating very fast. That was the moment he's waited for so long. Dean looked at his lips but hesitated. Should he...? Cas put his hand on his cheek. He leaned in and kissed Dean's lips so softly like a breeze. Winchester went stiff in shock. It was so strange for him. In all good meaning. Being kissed by someone he loved over years and didn't really believe it could actually happen. When he came back to his senses, he pressed his lips to Cas' again. But for much longer. He was kissing him like he couldn't stop. He gave him so many kisses on his lips, forehead, his neck. Cas lost himself in that, too. He felt so loved and he loved back. They wasted so many years that it felt unreal and they both wanted to compensate it for each other. Cas thought how wrong he was before when he thought it wasn't perfect. It was.</p><p>It was them. Together. The most foolish and oblivious about their feelings couple in the universe. </p><p>They moved away from each other only to press their foreheads together. They breathed uneasily but they were both calm and relieved. Dean was circling his fingers on Cas' back, when suddenly Castiel shivered when Dean brushed his finger somewhere under his shoulder blade. He wasn't sure what was that about so he repeated his move and Cas grabbed his forearm with a sigh.</p><p>"What's going on?" he asked not sure what he just did.</p><p>"It's a... You will find out" Cas said but didn't elaborate. "Goodnight, Dean."</p><p>Dean smirked. Sensitive subject, the thought. But it was okay. They had time. "Goodnight, Cas." He wrapped him tight and angel followed his action. They cuddled when they fell asleep.</p><p>That night, and a lot of other nights, Dean Winchester slept peacefully, knowing that he had his world in his arms. It was the moment when they started something new. Something better than ever before. Of course, they had to work some things up, significantly improve their communication, work through all of these things that happened beetween them since they met. But they finally had it. And they were happy.</p><p>They were home.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm sorry for any mistakes, english is not my first language.</p><p>And there's a refference to some wing fics, I just couldn't help it</p><p>I hope you enjoyed it :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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